Purna's Musings

Mid life blues

2010-06-20T03:16:00.000-07:00

'Find a song which does not bore me' - It's one of my key goals everyday as I hoist myself to run through another day.

A friend was recently describing archetypes she had met in her life and I felt as if I had been one some time or the other. 'Behenji turned Mod'/ someone who would utter lines which only seem right if you are utterly hopelessly in love (else very cheesy).

I do not know what is happening to me. I am tired of the skin I inhabit. I need something to shock me to life. I am fixated with things/people in life. If I want them I want them.

Only a handful of people know the truth about me. About how ugly and mundane I am within.

I can eliminate weaknesses by killing the part of me which wants. But I die a small death with it.

Everything is just so matter of fact. I want to feel alive. Please.

For You

2009-11-28T17:01:00.000-08:00

My heart does not skip a beat anymore when I see you. I do not blush anymore when I hold your hand. I do not spend hours before the mirror trying to look my best for you. My work now occupies most of my time.

I love you.

For you are the first person I think of when I am in pain, when I am hurt and when I am scared. You are the only one who knows me as I am - bare and naked; in all my flaws, imperfections, rage and madness.

You have liberated me from the burden of perfection. I do not worry about being ugly, boring, fussy and all the other things that do not make an ideal man. I have my ideal woman and I know she will hold me up even when my own image has let me down.

The excitement of the early days has grown into a mellow feeling of gratitude that you are here so I do not have to worry about all the things which make a life worth living.

Now each little thing you do becomes for me a memory I cherish and playback when I am alone.

I pray for you each morning. You are a part of all that I am and will ever be.

I will not die alone; I will walk towards finality holding your hand; arguing still over silly things as we do now because I will never be tired of you and I know that you of me.

I don’t think of you or immerse myself in other distractions because that is the only way I know I can survive a separation from you. I have waged that war before and could not survive three days; forget three years and counting.

An empty post

2009-08-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

I want to write a post. On how beautiful the two cities I have visited are (London and Paris). But the words do not come as often they do to me. Like a dutiful tourist I have pasted pictures on Orkut where I am all smiles.

In reality all this is just fine. It’s a wrapper I have put around my mind and my heart so that it does not look for the ones which keep me alive. I am desperately alone. Please do not get me wrong. I am not an object of pity or consolation. It is a statement of fact. I am alone.

No experience has ever held or would hold meaning to me if it were not with the people I love. (You, Baccha, Aaaji, Bhaiya, Papa, Mummy and Bhabhi). I used to crib lately that things have become routine and a change would be welcome. Well this is change enough for me. I am happy to go to work jostling in a crowd, sweating in the heat and living in all the chaos for I can hug my aaji, see my father, get angry on my bhaiyya be frustrated at mummy and break my heart with all the love I feel for Baccha.

Ok. I need to stop. For people who have requested a post I am sorry I cannot write more for I would feel too much. (and don’t underestimate my potential to be a crybaby)

I am here to do a job and may stay for a while due to the compulsions I have in life but the small room in a four storey building in a quaint corner of Kolkata will always be home.

For those who miss me

2008-09-13T07:43:00.001-07:00

For most of my adult life I have flitted through one place to the other with business like indifference, keeping only one attachment intact that is with my home.
When the train was pulling into Pune Station i remember telling a lady that after such a long journey you would rather be coming home than going away from it.
Whenever anybody asked me how is life at Pune I would tell them it does not matter. The stay is something which needs to be done and I am intent on getting it over with.
But this a post about the present and not the past. So let me change gears.
Life is a mad rush.I think i try to find old relationships with new people. Cant say I have succeeded.
I like my work. Its like going to war every day, a war in which I am on my own pretty much. No one tells me what to do, I decide and act on things that I think should be done.
I have problems. Slightly bigger than slipping a cell undetected in the fortress that is SIBM. But i think I face them better than I used to.
I am alone. But then again I have immuned myself to such dependencies.
I do not want to write in words how and why and what I miss. It somehow does not feel right, somehow its too private for me too say in words.
Let me tell you this, when I was in Pune I used to be overjoyed to find anything that reminded me of home. Now, as I run to Office every day, jumping from one auto to the other, I realise I am searching for a little bit of Pune in the the streets of Calcutta.

2008-05-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Its something which i had written quite a while back.

I dont know what i had seen when i had first opened my eyes. Those images lie somewhere, buried in a pile of rubbish that of late i see and remember. First glimpse of anything is very important. Your first glimpse of success, failure,love, betrayal will stay with you for the rest of your life. It's nice being a child enveloped in all its innocence,curiosity,energy and purity. Oblivious to the mundane realities which finally catch up with you and hold you down till you can soar no more on the wings of ignorance but grovel.
You are not tied down with mannerisms,etiquette and the burden of expectations then. You my friends are FREE!!FREE FALLING!! It was so easy to be satisfied then. To be excited over a soaring balloon or to be deflated at its sad demise. I did not want good looks then or popularity or admiration or power or money or love. Love is something i had then, for the whole world,it was not something i looked for. I remember staring outside my window at the newly charcoal dressed road of my colony shining in all it's grandeur, beckoning me with its promise of freedom. And thats all i wanted to do then; run down barefoot(I hated sandals as i loved the feel of earth beneath my feet) clad in a pair of worn out shorts and a vest to go with it, and play my heart out. I did not need designer clothes hiding my skin then, clothes in fact were a constraint, they somehow stifled me. Life was simple then, Life was good.
The days flew by as i grew in stature and mind. New age brought with it new realities and with them new complications. I changed. For change my friends is inevitable. You change or you get left behind and i wanted to lead the charge. I was a simple child. Plain in looks, skills, knowledge and charm. Not the kind you would see and want to coochie coo. So success was not easy.Tired of being ignored, left behind, ridiculed and consumed with a single minded passion of beating everyone at everything-I hung on.Toiled like I have never since then. There were football sessions at night, senseless mugging up of english songs (as they were the in thing)and endless grooming of hair to give an otherwise listless personality a sparkle.
Wish I had stayed back.

2008-04-12T01:16:00.000-07:00

It feels like a dream,
To be back,
Oddly it seems,
That I never did pack,
My bags to leave,
But I did only weave,
This absence in my head,
Or maybe i was just dead,
And have now come alive,
Have been able to revive,
My capacity to feel,
To be happy to be sad,
To be in love or be mad,
It was only yesterday,
That I looked at you,
It was only yesterday,
The words were few,
It's like I never left your side,
And it was only yesterday,
That you did hide,
Your face in my arms,
It feels like a dream,
But it seems,
That i will wake up soon,
And realise that it is noon,
That moonlit night has gone it's way,
And I am here far far away.

2008-04-12T01:04:00.000-07:00

They do not matter,

The laughter and chatter,

The incessant wave of faces that smile,

That extra mile,

Which will take you there,

Where you want to go?

Maybe yes, Maybe no..

Don't lose yourself,

In the tide that flows,

For i am here waiting,

For you to return,

To make that turn,

which brings you home.

2008-04-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

Kyu padhna chahti ho tum,
Mere haathon ki lakiro ko,
Ye silwate hai bas kuch nahi,
Ye koi kahaani bayan karti nahi,
Na kahi hoti ye shuru,
Na kahi par khatm,
Na hai khushi ki koi jhalak,
Na hai koi gam,
Na hai aasha kisi kal ki,
Na itihaas ka sangam,
Mai bas yuhin sthir hu yahaan,
Na jaane ko mere hai koi jagah,
Paogi tum mujhe yahi khada,
Samay ke isi mod par ada (pronounced more like ara)
Is zindagi ki daud me,
Mai tham chuka hoon,
Mil gayi hai tumhe manzil,
Main gum chuka hoon.

2008-04-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Words are a waste my dear,
For they are written in haste,
And bound by rules,
Devised by old fools,
Yet I am a man of words,
Thus could never tell you,
What i wanted to say,
Coz I would never find the words,
Try however I may,
That every passing day,
I sit and realize,
What you mean to my life,
You are my friend and companion,
You keep me alive,
You are the smile I smile,
You are the tears I cry,
You are the life I live,
You are the death I die,
You are beautiful,
As beautiful can be,
You are an angel,
Sent down for me,
But alas you would never know,
Cos the words in which to tell you,
I would never find,
what I feel when I see you,
Is beyond the reaches
Of my mind,
Forgive me my dear,
I am a man of words...

For My Class

2008-03-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

I had written this a while back. Posting it now.

I am not so good,
At matching steps on the floor,
Or playing the romantic Or the brood,
So this is my attempt,
To get your attention and tempt
You, to listen to my story.

And so it began,
On a morning when I huffed and ran,
To join the induction,
And then I did notice the friction,
Between the specialized specialization,
And the rest of the population,
And thus it was set,
That no matter who we are,
And how we have met,
We will be a special group,
Our very own MarCom troop.

Roll no.1,
Is mostly on the run,
But inside the class or outside,
She always has a ball,
Ladies and gentlemen it's Megha Agarwal,
We also have our own,
Bahut badi hasti,
He is his own James Bond, A symbol of masti,
Please welcome Mr. Karan Avasthi,
And then we have a man so tall,
That if i had to punch his face,
I'd have to climb a wall,
Not that this is what I would ever do,
To a guy so nice and cool,
He is my good friend Barjatya Rahul,
The theater of dreams,
May be to him this place seems,
For Shantanu always sees red,
As a fan of Man United,
And I am always confused,
on which version to be used,
Shiveta or Shweta,
For her to be introduced,
Next is the man,
Who is faster than a train,
in his thought and speech,
To Snehal Damke I beseech,
Please slow down,
Cos' Durrani always frowns,
And has his own take,
On all the presentations we make,
And How I wish,
That my friend Manish,
would also sit with me,
Once in a while,
Cos Crystal who is an icon of style,
Never does so,
And you have to let Asha go,
To the XtraC team room,
To organize parties and fests,
Not to worry cos Lokesh is at his best,
In intellectual discussions in Class,
And if you happen to pass,
Sheetal Ingale nearby,
You may ask her why,
She is not on her,
Frequent visits to Mumbai,
But as hard as you may try,
You will never figure out,
How shilpa is never in doubt,
When it comes to attendance,
And Nj would be earning,
Many a pence,
And happily drinking Cola,
But Malwika ko kisi ne nahi bola,
That she is very very cool,
And Gauri is never fooled,
By faff when it is delivered,
And always cuts to chase,
But Tanmay with her Dance moves,
Will set your hearts on a race,
A look at Sabera's Face,
Will tell you she means business,
In each and every lecture,
And divi or without a fracture,
Is always on fire,
Pragati though never tires,
With all the responsibility,
On her Head,
Congratulations to Mansi,
She is all set to Wed,
And so is Richa,
And she will form a consulting consortium,
With Stuti joining the mix,
She is always upto some trick,
On her Laptop,
And nobody can stop,
Shaifali from painting the town red,
And she will never be short of supply,
And Mangesh is sure to apply,
For a union rep,
When he joins work,
And Now to my dear friend Vivek,
Who is the Iron Man,
Jise Nahi Padta koi Fark,
Neha however will never shirk,
From writing her quotes,
And Ana would win all your votes,
For being the most energetic,
And If you see Sheetal it would not click,
To you, that she is so versatile,
Such talent and humility is surprising,
Menon though is always dramatizing,
His persona in class,
And Anshul kicks ass,
In whatever she does,
And Harshal ab bas,
Please don't eat the bench,
And i would have liked to wrench,
The best student trophy,
From Samrat Mukherjee,
Namaskar Rachel ji,
Please forgive me,
For any mistake,
Psst.. she is in PAT,
And I cant take,
Any panga with her,
And nothing would ever stir,
Mohit Pal's calm,
You will never see Kuldeep,
Subah or Shaam,
Ever on his seat,
And it would be hard to beat,

Lam in Counterstrike,
And if you give Rahul Pillai a mike,
You would hear his creative works,
And Varun has his quirks,
With word's and ways,
And Rajeev never strays,
From his cool dude act,
And if you want Priyanka's facts,
Please check the noticeboard by the stairs,
And you may catch Neha Reelkar there,
Giving Stares To Monil outside the classroom,
Who is all dhamaal and dhoom,
On the stage and off it,
And nobody can beat,
Priya in print technology,
She can actually teach it,
Better than the prof,
And Tintu never scoffs,
At stupid attempt at hmour,
She is dignity personified,
but if you look at who is sitting beside,
Nidhi, there would be no surprise,
Though MS is all wise,
And Counsels all,
And Samrin's up for a cause,
Whether big or Small,
Which brings us to Akaanksha,
Who can even break a wall,
Cos of her summer dose of Dabur Chawyanprash,
And Rahul is all set to dash,
To the biz world with his B-Plan,
But to quite a few,
Sivaram is THE MAN,
With his brilliant creatives,
But if you ask me who gives,
The Best Presentations in Class,
It would have to be Vijay,
His stories just rule the day,
But the gal who rules us all,
Answer's her duty's call,
As a CR she is tough,
As a friend helpful and witty,
She is our very own Preeti.

So this is my class,
Like any other you would say,
But stop my friend Nay,
Do not make that mistake,
Cos Marcom Rocks and it can shake,
The world if it wants to,
We may be different,
In our words and ways,
Thats cos of the passion which sways,
In our hearts,
And That is what defines us from finish to start.

2008-03-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

This has been coming for a while now. Was just caught up with so much of nothing in the past few days that just did not feel like writing.

It's bordering comical, the fervour with which i find people pursuing power, respect,love.Nothing less than a royal courtroom drama is what I have been a part of, where you weigh every word, interpret every action and plan every move. I think we would have put Ms. Ekta Kapoor to shame. Oh what drama there was!! Hidden motives, betrayal, foiled attempts, Multiple people in love with multiple other people and yes in a week's time I lost my memory and regained it and as a result find out that i have got married twice, to the same person!!

It left me irritated. There are things beyond all of this. To me atleast my time is beyond such whimsical trappings. I think it simplified me to an extent also, its mired in mud that i found purity.

I am close to a group of people now. I somehow feel responsible for them. I hope i am able to carry my commitments out in a manner honorable.

Time and distance do not and will not ever change my love for people, I know that now.

2008-03-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

This was written quite a few days back. Updating it now.

"Mere Des me, Mere bhes me, Mere naam ka koi aur hai..." Lines from a song, sum me up succinctly. A lot of my time these days is spent discussing how fake everything around me is. I play God judging each character in my life as to their genuinity. It borders obsession. And then it struck me that probably it is me who is fake; so engrossed in what happens on the other side that i have forgotten my own self.

Just acknowledging this makes me light. I am fake, I am true I am a bundle of contradictions. I shall learn, I shall move and i shall not let any of this alter my essence.

You can go, am not scared anymore. I just realized that it's ok.I asked somebody recently his opinion on my blog. He said "Pakau hai".

How true. I have become pakau. Obsessed with philosophical insights of others. Chuck them. Very little of my own life is left. I will live that. Let them be what they are, how they are, I know what I am and what I want to be.

Thank you T. You were,are and will be my anchor forever. It's because of you I do not drift. As I write this a smile crosses my face. I am at peace, with the music outside and the silence within me.

To my Team

2008-03-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Words fail me,
As i sit down to tell,
How Ankush gets senti,
And how Hussain tried to sell,
His ideas of processes,
And how on Joey's pretty ears,
Deaf, they all fell.

How Sid will charm,
Young and Old
And how over coffee,
Stories were told.

How Pranav is there,
From the Girls' hostel,
To here,
To drop and pick,
And how Deepti manages
To somehow stick,
To all the deadlines,
Even as Reenu,
Sits and mines
Through all the letters,
That come our way,
Some ask a question,
Some Thank you say.

No awards no glory,
This is their story,
But dont be sad,
Cos' Let me add,
That whatever it may be,
They are and will remain,
The finest you would ever see.

2008-02-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

The sun dips below the ocean,
Leaving behind a red tinted sky,
The world below grows in commotion,
Not a moment to pause,
Not even a breath to sigh.

I look for my space,
But I find none,
A searing pain,
Leaves me undone,
The world around me,
Is bright and shining,
In a light so beautiful,
Yet so blinding,
To me.

The ripple of life,
Cascades down the streets,
I try to listen,
But in the noise,
I cant find my heart beat,
All so crowded,
Yet all so empty,
All so happy, but still the pity.

An emptiness,
That looms large within,
Even in the shining light,
Even in the raging din,
A void that still craves for you,
Tears that still roll for you,
But you i cant find,
In this light,
I am so blind.

Come hold my hand,
For i cant walk,
Come speak to me,
For i cant talk,
Come look at me,
For i cant see,
Even though the world is shining,
Shining like the bright blue sea.

2008-02-12T22:28:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to you, May God Bless You, Happy Birthday my Love, Happy Birthday to you!!!! Its strange how the mind conjures up a connection between a frantic evening in Pune, an aborted flight to Bangalore to an equally frantic day years ago in Calcutta on to a crowded Metro Rail. One a date kept, the other a moment missed.....
Its as if they happen right before me like events in a movie, your efforts to meet me on a busy chandni chowk platform, for a moment...no more. For that one moment. Knowing fully well that I would move on, go to work. And as then so now, i have failed. My moist eyes give away the storm i hold within. Its contrary to my mode of functioning,
I sit in a class painting images of you on a sun filled day, of the way you move smiling and acknowledging the wishes which come your way, trying desperately as if to be a part of all that is today.
I am in a trance, am in one since yesterday. I do not wish to move, breathe, exist. Its as if somehow i am frozen while the rest of the world moves on.
I compromised others in the process, and a weird thing happened. "Chill!!" - it's amazing the depth of emotion a single word can convey. Of forgiveness, of understanding, of friendship. There are many I talk to, and many who speak to me, a lot of words which do not even cover a fraction of what i felt at the utterance of this single word. I do not spend time with them, there is no celebration of friendship through gestures, companionship or antics, just a silent acknowledgement of being there. I am not feeling currently, cos i am covered in a thick blanket of remorse. But if i did, i am sure i would feel thankful.
Thank You.
P.S. Karan - You were right this did make its way in the blog.

For Hussain - The Closest Mini Me

2008-02-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

Let Go. Once you do you will realize that it is the only way to move forward, to let things go. Ironic that every beginning is inevitably linked with an end.

Hope to start a new chapter in life. With that some stories also end. Some good some not so good things will be left behind as i move ahead. I am a little ginger. I do not know always that if what i am doing is right or not. But one thing i do know is that i have no regrets.

That is one of the things "letting go" allows you; acceptance, of who we are, of our imperfections, our mistakes, of other's mistakes, of the hurt they have caused us.

I am happy for all the hurt I have been caused and of all the mistakes I have made, for they also are an inseparable part of who I am and who I become.

The roads we have traveled on and leave behind also determine our journey ahead.

To Hussain - "Letting go" and "accumulation" are oxymorons. I do not think they can coexist. Let it give you a new slate instead of one which has been wiped, for there are only so many times a slate can be written upon.

2008-02-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

Happiness is found in weird places. In a classroom of irrelevant discourse, with people enslaved to their clandestine encounters. It peeks from a sunlit crack in the walls, from a look across the room, to a twinkle in the eyes, in a smile of a face, which acknowledges and understands.

Please do not let me turn into this. Please always stay with me. You are my sanctuary of purity which none of this can invade, can touch. You are my sanity in this mad twirling roller coaster of a ride. Your's is the hand i will hold when i step off and my head spins.

Wish you could be here and see how misplaced I am amidst all this. You would share this silent joke with me and understand the irony.

As i sit embroiled in this surrounding,my eyes still look for your face in the distance. I miss you. I would never tell you that or let you know. But i do.

Carnivale

2008-02-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

Its a circus around me, and I am delivering one heck of a performance. We all have our own tricks of the trade and our little cages to which we retire once we are not on show, the bars of which limit our reach.

I do not know why i do it. I hate it that much i know, this charade. I do not know what they think, the ones who believe they are my ringmaster.

I am free. I was never tamed, conditioned, enticed, trapped by any cage or desire, never will be so. Even in love, I am not bound by reciprocation but grateful that i am touched by it and the sensation of it will remain with me forever.

I think it amuses me; this act. The curtains will soon rise on this episode. Till then the show must go on.

2008-02-04T02:01:00.000-08:00

"irreparable damage".... Now how does one mend it. Its a good and a bad thing that i stepped onto this thorn on an otherwise smooth walk. Good at least irreparable damages are still made. Shows integrity of substance. Living in a world which runs on fixes i had forgotten that words are more than just that,they are your character, your commitment, your essence expressed.

Bad because my own reflection has muddied.

"You are not a man of principles" .... Principles are my self proclaimed asset, and for once they have been put to question. I dont have an answer, will not answer i believe and that i think is the right thing to do for unnecessary words spoken would again lighten my already evaporating essence.

This is not an attempt at a reconciliation, or an apology. I will move on, knowing that i made a mistake. And hopefully I will also rise in my own eyes. I like that about me.I always come back.

2008-01-31T10:42:00.001-08:00

sapne bunne me lagta hai waqt,
kuch sookhe se darakht,
unse banta ik ghar,
ek tedhi medhi si,
wahaan se jaati dagar,
jis par aaye nazar,
ek dhoondhla akaash,
kuch taare aas paas,

ek saanjha sa chulha,
uspe roti garam,
Sang baaton ki chatni,
jisme mirch ho kam,

Na ho banaawat ka shor,
koi nakli si dor,
jisne ho ghera,
ho sukun si ek raat,
ho bachpan sa sawera

ho aisa ek aashiyan,
kuch tera kuch mera.

2008-01-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

ek kahaniyon ki raat me
kuch akele kuch saath me
humne buni
kuch ankahi kuch suni
ik kisson ki chaadar,
hum jise odhkar,
yun hi baithe rahe,
chup hi kehte rahe,
man ki baat,
us saari raat,
Phir di neend ne dastak,
jab palkon ke darwaaze pe,
humne bhi haule se,
bujha di battiyan,
agli subah tak,
so jaao tum,
main yu hi hun yahaan
ke jab khulen palke tumhaari,
ye duniya saari,
tumhe nayi na lage,
aur jab tu jage
tujhe ho ehsaas
main tha, hun aur rahunga hamesha tere paas.

2008-01-19T10:48:00.001-08:00

I am going to try to leave Gtalk and all other messengers, except for a certain few people. I kind of had this thought that most of my time now is spent online, in a desperate measure to impress. Gtalk is my kitty party and I am constantly in attendance. So in a bid to open up I need to close the portal to the online world. I think its because of the anonymity, the distance that the online world offers that we are so hooked on to it. I can crib, flirt, sell my soul and I would be ok because I was online, so it really doesn’t matter.

My life has become like a series of television episodes being aired simultaneously on separate channels. So I am happy in one, heartbroken in the other, used in one, indebted in the other.

Hope the next window which opens in my life instead of bringing in a frivolous “hi” brings in the morning breeze, the autumn rain, the winter sun and the starlit night.

Contaminated

2008-01-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

It is my private universe, as I sit amidst incessant chatter which fills the space. They are my savior; words, also my bane. I am a stranger in a world which screams of a familiarity which stifles me. We share a mutual understanding of not knowing who we are. I don’t fit in their scheme of things, they don’t in mine.

Life just passed by me I think, when I was busy soaking rain, eating dirt, lost beyond the interest of the flesh. They have their own conservations I mine.

I wish I would go unnoticed, drift through this uneasy moment we share. They seem so happy, all of them; and me calm, and impervious maybe to the joy they thrive on. There are simple aspirations I have, simple dreams, and simple joys.The bright smile on their faces entice me. I regret only being a glow in this bright world.

I hope I will learn, and I hope I find a corner nearby, where I am warm with the glow in my heart, with the bright lights of their world twinkling in my eyes.

The End.

................................. I am amazed at certain people around me, at their motivations and aspirations. It scares and disgusts me. Want freedom of simplicity.

Sweet Nothing !!

2008-01-15T21:52:00.001-08:00

Its diabetic this blog of mine, far too much sweet. It does not really express all that envelopes me. I cannot express pain. Somehow I cling on to it, determined to suffocate it to death within the pulsating confines of my heart.

Past few weeks I came across different shades of love. Betrayal, Loyalty, The Idea of Love. It amazes me how this single emotion has the capacity to condemn us or set us free.

Not particularly the best of times for me. There are a lot of I don’t Know’s for the questionnaire life has given me. There is some unfinished business also. So basically I am hanging in mid air. Hope to rearrange a few things about me, will do so soon.

Lastly, would like to thank Karan- a friend in a melee of acquaintances for the Man U jersey. Thanks…Honestly didn’t expect it coming… a coke yes…but a jersey… I think u have outdone yourself. Congratulations Meghana! May you always resemble the cow in the Happydent ad… with all white teeth on display!!

2008-01-06T03:46:00.001-08:00

I am blue,
And it is mighty strange too,
That despite the hustle and bustle around me,
I should attribute my state of being
To this sombre hue.

I am alone with everybody,
Alone? No, not really,
For we make a good company,
Me and my loneliness,
It never fails me,
In joy or distress,
Oddly enough a void still remains,
For you my heart strains,
And then my pain,
Takes the shape of your lovely face,
Your dark eyes loom large in front of me,
I reach out, I try to hold you,
But in vain.

And then I smile,
And then come the tears,
A rainbow of emotions,
Paint my heart,
And then come the words,
In fits and starts.

I love you,
And I hope you know,
For this is a poem to tell you so,
That in a world going wrong,
Only you, are right for me.

2008-01-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

So now you want me to say

Just how my heart sways

When I hear your voice

Ring in my ears

How you are a part

Of all my smiles

And all the tears

Even though you may not see

How I have lost weight

And the “attitude change” in me

You are in every step

Of my life that I take

You are in every dream

And with me when I wake

Up in the morning

Without a sign or a warning

You walk up beside me

And Stay

Whether night or day

And thus I never bemoan

Cos’ with you in my life

I will never walk alone.

I love you.

I am sad around holidays

2008-01-05T01:05:00.000-08:00

I am sad around the holidays. Its something about them, I can’t a put a finger on it. I turn into a giant heart, sensitive to every moment which grazes past me. The thing about the holidays is that you look forward to happiness, to joy, to warmth, to love, which kind of scares the hell out of me. I am a pain in the ass, even to my own, incapable of any happiness. Like those kids in the movies who have imaginary friends I live vicariously, feeding off the smile of others. Imagining, if you may, that how nice it would be to have a moment like that, in the process opening myself to the pain that comes with peeping in one’s life. “What the hell is wrong with you?” if only I had a dime for every time I have had to hear this. I wish I knew. Damn! I realize I killed myself a long time ago.
I resolve, to make amends but price is something I have never been able to attach to myself. I live off scruples thrown in my way, as gratitude, as indifference, as courtesy, as pity. None solicited. If only I could ……
Its’ not a gloomy story, mine. It rains occasionally in my life too which for a moment or two washes away all of this to give me a rainbow of unbridled joy. I had lunch alone yesterday and I was sad. And I watched a movie and was happy. Happy that the make believe actors in the movie find happiness, find love.
So thus I am a melting pot of joy and pain, one more than the other. I think I know what is wrong with me. I am a sucker for that one small window in time when everything is perfect. When there is just a hint of cold in the air, and there is the music of winds, and there is me and there’s you, and when you smile for absolutely nothing at all, not on a joke, not for me, but just so. And so do I for I was lucky to be there, to see you smile so that I can now be warm in its glow and drag on hoping for that one moment again. I am in love, with you, with the smile on your face, with the lurking pain in my heart. It is love actually.